Moving on...

Friday, March 09, 2007

Moving on...  Current mood:  optimistic  Category: Life Life never slows down... but that's okay. I know I prefer it this way. If things got slower I'd have too much time to think, and I've been doing my best to avoid that (about certain things, of course). Thank God for my kids... if it wasn't for their endless jabbering I'd actually hear my own thoughts!! Sometimes I think all I need is a break (from them) but as soon as I get away for a while, a lonliness sets in that I can't describe. It's like the weight of everything that has happened and the reality of all that was lost creaps in and I just want to hold them again. To be near them is like being home, no matter where we really are. I believe I am coping with things much better than most people expected though. This is due to two things. One is that God has given me the strength to make it through this and the peace I needed to keep my sanity. The other reason that I'm doing so well only three months after my separation is that I mourned the death of my marriage over two years ago. No, my marriage wasn't over in a literal or legal way, but it was over emotionally, mentally, and for the most part, physically. Trust was broken beyond repair (though I did try); hurt was inflicted so deeply that I thought I would die of a broken heart. The grief that people (that did not know about his first affair) assumed that I would be dealing with now was felt and dealt with back then. When it happened a second time, it was easy to say "no more" and to let go of our loveless marriage.  I am more than ready to move on, even anxious to. I have been miserable for far too long and am so excited to see what wonderful things my future holds. The only things I am grieving for at this point are the loss of a "core family" for my children and the effect that this will have on their lives, and the way that I had defined myself for so long. It is very strange and even hard to see yourself first and foremost as a "wife", and suddenly have that title stripped from you. I almost feel like asking "who am I now?" but I know when I really think about it that I'm still the same girl I was before I got married. The only difference is that now I am older, wiser, and more confident in myself and especially in my God. My faith has grown and so have I. Praise God for his grace, mercy, and healing!!