Out the window...

I can not count the times I've agonized over the fact that my deepest heart's desire has been thrown out the window... and not really by me, but by my 1st husband. It is something that I have had to struggle to forgive. In all honesty though, it wasn't entirely his fault. I have made some poor choices to end up where I am today.

When I was just a little girl I daydreamed about being a stay at home mommy. I wanted 3 or 4 children (which God has so graciously blessed me with), and I wanted to be home with them full time until they were all in school. As I got older, I realized that I had other interests and talents as well, and that I would definitely like to use them to do something in the outside world. Still, my 1st love was children, and my heart was still lead to stay home until the youngest was in school... then and only then did I want to work part-time doing something that I enjoyed, as long as I could be off in time to pick them up from school. :)

During high school, when everyone around me was trying to decide "what they wanted to be when they grew up", I remained loyal to my desire to be a full-time wife and mother. I could not decide, for the life of me, what else in the world I'd rather do. Although I am an artistic, creative, and somewhat abstract soul, nothing popped out at me. Nothing pricked my interest enough to cause me to think maybe, just maybe, that I ought to seriously consider getting a degree and doing something else with my life other than hope and pray for the chance to marry someone who was willing and able to support a family on his own so as to allow me to stay home and raise some amazing kids someday... How foolish! How naive! How ridiculously immature and uninformed I was!! Now don't get me wrong, I don't blame my parents for my regrettable decision not to get a college degree, I made that choice myself... but I do wish so badly that they had realized how important it would be for me, and had pushed and encouraged me to go to school more than they did.

After graduating high school, I did enroll in my community college that very fall with the half-hearted intention of getting a degree in photography. I completed one semester as I worked as a photographer at a local photo store, and then... I lost interest and motivation. I quick my job that I so enjoyed as a photographer, and began to work with kids in several different daycares until I was asked to help manage a larger, brand new childcare center that was about to open. Since I didn't have any kids of my own yet, I thought that this would be at least somewhat fulfilling. It was the most horrid job I ever had! Although I managed the staff well and the children's parents were quite happy with the way I did my job, I was miserable. Then... when I wasn't expecting it at all... I got engaged! To me, that was it. It was the beginning of all my dreams coming true... and I never went back to school.

I was married when I was 20, and we had our 1st child when I was 21. I was the happiest I'd ever been in my life up until that point. My husband allowed me to stay home with our daughter while he worked, and I enjoyed every moment of it. Our home was always spotless, I cooked every evening other than the occassional nights dining out, and I worked with our daughter to the point that she was beginning to sign, talk, and crawl at only 6 months, walk at 9 months, and was speaking in complete sentences by the time she was 18 months old. When she was 2 her pediatrician told me that she had one of the most advanced vocabularies that she'd ever seen in a child her age. This was my dream come true to the fullest! I was not only a stay at home mommy, but a successful one! I was so very proud of her accomplishments, and considered them mine as well. I felt completely fulfilled as a woman, wife, and mother, and I didn't need anything else to make me feel like I was worth something or that I was making a significant contribution to the world around me. It was enough for me. It was heaven on earth. I was happy.

Then, due to some poor (and selfish) choices on my husbands part, our lives fell apart. Happiness was a thing of the past, and my dreams flew out the window. It didn't take long, after my life came crashing down around me, for me to find myself in a place I never imagined that I would be. I was shamefully divorced, a single mother to 2 kids, and I had no degree and no career. I was a wreck emotionally, mentally, and financially, although spiritually I was strengthened immensely, at least for a while anyway. I began working 2 jobs, totaling around 75 hrs per week, and of course I had my kids to take care of when I was "off". I was exhausted, frustrated, and desperate for any kind of a break or any measure of weight lifted off my shoulders. In my desperation I turned my back somewhat on God and my convictions, and I rushed into a marriage with a non-believer. Unsurprisingly, it turned out to be the biggest mistake of my entire life, even more so than not getting a college degree. I was able to work a lot less, and I had some help around the house and with the bills, but everything soon fell apart again... as things tend to do when God is not in them. This time, as I saw the end of my marriage approaching, I was mother to 3 children, and still without a degree or career.

Now I am on my own again, still working 2 jobs (although not nearly as many hours as I was working the 1st time I was newly single), and parenting 3 beautiful children that don't get the attention and extra care that I so desire to be able to give them. I am, in some ways, absolutely miserable and tormented by my unfulfilled desires. I see my young children growing a little more every day, and these precious first years of their lives slipping away before my eyes. There's nothing I can do to stop it, or to better my situation quickly enough... It is the hardest thing for me to deal with. As they grow up, I see my dreams slipping away, and I know I'll never get these early years with them back. I feel like such a failure as a mother. All I ever wanted to be... I'm failing at... because I was foolish and didn't go to school so that I could at least have the ability and the option to have a good paying career to support the kids I dreamed of having... and because I put too much faith in someone else to always be there to make it possible for me to live my dream. People let you down, only God is completely unfailing and constant. Nothing else is guaranteed.

So, in looking back, I would have finished school, gotten a degree in a field I enjoyed, and then... I would have had my amazing children. They were NOT mistakes. They are the only things in this world that I am proud of, even though I don't get to work with them and spend one on one time with them nearly as much as I desire to. Now it is my daily prayer that my mistakes and their father's mistakes are not detrimental for them, that the time I do get to spend with them will somehow be enough, and that God will fill in the gaps in their lives that their imperfect parents can't fill. Someday, maybe my story might inspire someone to make a wiser decision for their future than I did. It would be a good feeling to know that someone else might be spared the agony and regret that I have experienced, because of hearing my story.

Humanity... so disappointing!

I am just blown away every time someone I trust lets me down or lies to me... and I don't know why. We're all human, just human. We all fail on occasion, even those of us who try our best not to. We all let the people we love down at one point or another. We can't help it, we're just not perfect, and no matter how determined we are to be Christ-like, we're still gonna fail from time to time. Because I know this, and because I have come a long way with learning to be forgiving because God has forgiven me and instructs us to do the same, I can overlook these occasions when my friends and family hurt me in some way because of their humanity. What I have a much harder time overlooking is when someone continuously lies to me or hurts me somehow, and even worse... when they don't admit it. This is so hard to deal with! It's detrimental to any kind of a relationship! What do you do about it? Do you continue to forgive the person? Yes, I believe we should, and I do. Do we continue the relationship with that person though? This is the hard part for me. Obviously if the person is family, ending the relationship is probably not an option (unless of course the situation is physically abusive). But what if it's a friend, boyfriend, fiance, or coworker? Do you continue to allow this person to be a large part of your life, to spend time with them that you don't absolutely have to? I don't know. At what point is enough enough? At what point do you tell them that they have crossed the line with you? Do you tell them at all? Do you keep it to yourself and slowly ease your way out of the relationship? I know some people would opt for this last option, perhaps because they don't like confrontation, but that's just not me. Now I'm not one that enjoys an uncomfortable confrontation either (although I will admit that I used to be one of those brash people that didn't mind it at all... but I've grown up since then), but I'm not afraid of them either. I tend to feel that to avoid confronting the person about it would be somewhat shady, or even downright dishonest and unfair to that person. Don't they deserve to know how you are feeling? I mean, if you're truly friends and/or you love each other, shouldn't you be able to talk about any relationship problem or hurt that has developed between you? I would hope so. At what point do you do this though, and should it include (for lack of a better, less dominating term) an ultimatum? I hate relationship ultimatums, but are they necessary in some instances? Are we as Christians called to continue to let someone hurt us, even if it's just on an emotional level? I'm torn, I'm hurt, and I'm just gonna have to pray about it...

New year, new start, new me!

Wow... it's not only already 2010, but the 1st month of it is nearly gone already! Where does the time go?? So much has happened these past few months... so much to reflect on. Ryan and I split up again around Thanksgiving last year, this time for good. Looking back, I can't believe that I put up with all that I did, and for so long. I just wanted so badly to believe in him, and to give him enough time for God to have a chance to work on his heart before I just gave up. I think I did that, maybe I even gave him too much time... too many chances. I regret that I let Ryan hurt my kids. They still miss him, and Trizten rarely even gets to see him.

Aside from the drama, Christmas was wonderful! The kids spent Christmas Eve with their dad and his parents, and then we spent Christmas day with my parents. Trizten had a very blessed 1st Christmas, even though his daddy never even asked to see him. New years was rung in with friends and the baby, while the kids spent the night with grandparents. I got exciting news that evening... one of my very best friends found out she's pregnant!!!

Since my split with Ryan, or even before that I guess, God has really been dealing with me about some things in my life, and I've been seeking Him a lot more. I feel like I've grown so much in my faith this past year since I began to attend a different church than the one I grew up in. I switched because my old church just wasn't feeding me at all anymore, and my beliefs had changed over the years to the point that I disagreed with half the sermons preached there! I still love my old church and the people there are like family, but the worship and the messages I am hearing at my new one are just what I needed to be revived! I have a much closer walk with the Lord now, and I'm so happy that I decided to try something new. God is, as always... so good. He has gotten me through yet another year full of heartache, and managed to bless me threw it all. Sometimes I think, God... I can't take any more, this is as much as I can bare, but He knows our limits better than we do, and pushes us farther than we ever thought we could go. He promised to never give us more than we can handle! He gives us strength to bare all things, and hope to look forward to the future. He is a God of new beginnings and 2nd (and 3rd and 4th...) chances, always willing to forgive us and help us move on to bigger and better blessings. I am looking forward to the rest of this year, I can't wait to see what He has in store for me and my kids!!

I can't believe how long it's been since I blogged last! This fall has flown by so fast. Trizten David Wolf was born on September 15th weighing 6lbs 6oz. He is 3 months old now and he's grown so much! I can't explain what a joy he has brought into my life. He is so precious, so laid back, and so completely adorable. I adore his smile, which he offers to me quite regularly now. :) His big sister and brother are in love with him as well! Tinzleigh has been a big help to me, always running to him anytime he cries to see what she can do to help. She's gotten very good at calming him down (unless he needs to eat of course lol). Thazden plants kisses on his head a thousand times a day, and tells him "You're so cute!" lol It's precious. I am enjoying my children so much, I dread the day that they're all grown up...

and there goes another man I love...

My brother Adam and his wife Shannon are moving down south tomorrow... to the Hill Country. Wish I was going with them! It's so beautiful there. Anyway, I've been doing my best not to think about it, but now the reality of it is starting to set in. I'm gonna miss him so much. He's one of my best friends, and one of those few people in my life that's ALWAYS there for me. I can't believe he's about to be so many miles away, and he'll probably miss the birth of his nephew... yes, I'm having a boy. I just haven't had a chance to blog about it.

So I learned something yesterday...

God didn't leave me, and I didn't leave God. He's been right here with me all the time. For some reason I just thought (or really I was just hoping) that because He's with me and giving me peace and strength to get through all this that I wouldn't have to go through any grieving or mourning. Ha! Well yesterday (and several days proceeding it) was a wakeup call. Just because God's with me doesn't mean I don't need to (and have to) go through the grieving process. I've lost my husband! I lost my marriage and many dreams have died as well. I have much to grieve. It's part of the healing process. I realize this now, and honestly I don't know why this didn't start sooner. God's there to get me through it and to give me hope, not to let me skip over the sadness entirely.

So to those of you close to me that have been unknowingly causing me to feel like it's not okay to cry or feel something over this great loss and life change I'm going through, please understand that I NEED to feel sad. I NEED to let myself feel the pain and sorrow. I even NEED to cry sometimes. It doesn't mean that I've given up, or that I'm not trusting God, or that I don't believe God's taking care of us. I don't need a lecture or a "pep-talk". I haven't lost hope. It just means that I'm sad and that I'm human. I'm tired of people expecting me to be supernaturally strong just because I'm a Christain! Yes, I have God on my side and I believe that He is greater than Satan and that He's going to help me conquer what Satan is trying to do in my life, but I still need to grieve! I understand that it's hard for some of you to watch me go through this, and you'd rather not see me cry or act depressed in any way, but give me a break. Please. I need you all in my life, and it will make things even more sad and harder to deal with if any of you pull away from me. I need my family and friends to stick by me even when I'm not that fun to be around, and so far all of you have. Thank you so much for that, but please don't start pulling away now that I've begun to really grieve. Don't make me feel bad for it, or unwanted. I'll come out of it soon, I promise. God's not gonna let me feel this way forever, and before you know it I'll be fine... just like the last time Satan took my husband. God is good. He won't forget me. He'll heal my broken heart... after some time.

"Emotionless" lyrics -Good Charlotte

Hey there.
I'm writing to you, not to tell you that I still hate you,
But just to ask you how you feel.
And how we fell apart... how this fell apart?
Are you happy out there in this great wide world?
Do you think about your sons? Do you miss your little girl?
When you lay your head down, how do you sleep at night?
Do you even wonder if we're alright?
We're alright. We're alright.

It's been a long hard road without you by my side.
Why weren't you there all the nights that we cried?
You broke my mother's heart you hurt your children for life!
It's not okay, but we're alright.
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes,
But those are just a long lost memory of mine.
I spent so many years learning how to survive,
Now I'm writing just to let you know I'm still alive.
I'm still alive...

And sometimes I forget,
This time I'll admit...
That I miss you. I miss you.

Barely Breathing

I can't understand why it is that these last couple of weeks I've felt calm, at peace, and so strong (because of God) and this week I've been a total wreck. I'm crashing so hard, and I just keep wondering when this feeling will lift and I can breath without pain again. When will I be able to think straight, to stop crying for longer than an hour, and to feel some hope? My head hurts and my heart aches so badly that I feel like my chest might explode each time I take a breathe. Where is God right now? I thought He wouldn't leave me, and as long as He wouldn't leave me I wouldn't have to feel like this. Did I leave His side at some point and haven't realized it? What did I do to stray from Him? I need to feel His peace again. I just feel too week to even keep asking for Him to give me strength! What now Lord? I've hit an emotional bottom and my kids need me to pull through this quickly, aren't you going to pull me back up? I'm waiting. Can You please answer my call while I'm still breathing? I feel like I might die of a broken heart.

I will not be shaken, for He is right beside me. -Psalm 16:8b

First of all, I need to write something about this lil miracle I'm carrying. I haven't posted anything yet because we were waiting to tell everyone until I was at least 12 weeks along, and then after that things got a bit crazy so I didn't really feel like blogging about it. Anyway, Ryan and I are having a baby and I'm due September 25th. I am so very excited, and Ryan said he was too, (he's the one that wanted to have a september baby) but apparently he's not excited enough to stick around. 

On Sunday night (the 22nd) Ryan never came home. I didn't hear from him at all until Monday afternoon. I spent the whole night crying, praying, and looking for him. It was horrible... one of the worst experiences of my life, and I've had a lot of bad ones lol.He told me Monday that he had partied with some friends and gotten back into some things that he's struggled with in the past. He has not been home since, because I refuse to live that way, especially with a baby on the way and two kids in the house already. I still love Ryan so much and I hope and pray that he's gonna come out of this okay, but I have to take care of myself and kids.  He has chosen to give up his new life and family to go back to his old one, and I am having a very hard time understanding his decision. He was so lonely and miserable when we met, and he's been through so much in his life... I can't imagine why he'd want to give up a family that loves and needs him so much to go back to living that way, but it's his choice and there's nothing I can do but pray for him. I hope that others that care for us will lift him up in prayer also, and remember to pray for the kids and I as well. We are very sad right now, and I'm trying my best to trust God and not worry how the bills are going to be paid. I'm so grateful for all the love support, encouragement, and prayers that friends and family have already offered. I know that God is good, and he's going to meet our every need. 

Satan is doing his best to take everything he can from me, and I'm not sure why. I'm beginning to feel a little like Job lol. I know he is out only to steal, kill, and destroy... and that's exactly what he's trying to do to my life, but I refuse to let him. "Greater is He (God) that is in me, than he (Satan) that is in the world!" - 1 John 4:4b Satan has already taken my husband and the father of my baby, and he's working on my job right now (by causing me to lose kids and hindering me from finding new ones for my daycare) which would lead to losing my house and many other things. He's causing me to have a hard time carrying this baby and my doctor has told me that I shouldn't work at Hoffbrau at least until I stop having so much pain/cramping, but I have no choice... I have to work. I will find more kids to watch by God's grace and provision, and my kids and I are going to be alright. I claim these things in Jesus' name! I rebuke you Satan and all that you are trying to destroy in my life. You will not have the victory!

"I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken for He is right beside me." - Psalm 16:8

"Lead me in the right path Lord, or my enemies will conquer me. Tell me clearly what to do, and show me which way to turn." -Psalm 5:8

"God will supply all my needs according to His riches in glory." -Philippians 4:19

"The God of peace will crush Satan under your feet shortly, and the grace of our Lord Jesus will be with you." -Romans 16:20

"Therefore submit to God, resist the devil and he will flee from you." -James 4:7

"Know that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." -James 1:3-4

"Teddy Bear"

Well, the kids have been begging for a puppy for at least a year, and we never have gotten one because they want a tiny one and I only like HUGE dogs and Ryan doesn't really like dogs at all. A couple months before Christmas I started researching different breeds and trying to find something we could live with that would also be great for the kids and not shed much. Finally I decided on a toy schnauzer and I found a chocolate male that I wanted out of a litter in New Mexico! I started making payments on him (a total of $600) and finally paid him off last week. The very sweet woman that was raising the puppies in her home with her 3 small kids (which I loved because he'd already be used to lil kids before we got him around our lil ones!)  decided that she'd come to Amarillo to finish her Christmas shopping last Saturday and she brought him to my house! I was stoked because this saved us the three hour trip we were going to have to make this week! (The original plan was that we'd meet her half way, which was an hour and a half... but then back again would've made it three total.) Anyway, the puppy is cuter than in the pics she sent me. He looks just like a lil teddy bear, which is one of the names Tinzleigh came up with when I asked her to come up with some puppy names for a stuffed animal a while back... hahaha. ;) We had planned on waiting to give the puppy to the kids Christmas morning, but of course I couldn't wait! My mom kept him till Sunday afternoon and then I put him in a wrapped box with a pop off lid and brought him in. They were so excited when they saw him! They've barely done anything else besides play with him since that moment. He's their new favorite toy! lol He answers to "Teddy" already and loves playing with the kids. He's so layed back he just lets them do whatever they want to him! The only problem is that I am already getting frustrated with the puppy potty training thing. He refuses to go on the puppy pads... even if I put him in the laundry room with a pad and put the gate up, he will wait however long it takes for me to give up and decide to let him out and then he'll go on the floor! Ugghhh!!! These pads are supposed to attract the puppy??? Yeah right! I think they repel him! lol Good thing most of our house is concrete floors... soooo easy to clean up! :) Anyway, once I figure this out and he starts doing better, things will be perfect. He's a really sweet lil guy and we're so pleased!

Feeling accomplished...

Ryan and I did some work on the house this weekend, and I am so relieved that it's done! I have been wanting to re-stain the concrete floor and paint the trim in our bedroom for ages, but it's so much work to take the bed apart, move all the furniture out, paint, let it dry, paint again, let it dry, paint one more time, let it dry, and then move everything back in! Uggghhhhh!!!! I've been putting it off for so long, and now it's finally done! [sigh] We are so pleased with the way it all turned out. Now we want to re-do the rest of the house too! hahahahaha...  Maybe next year. ;)

Let it snow!

Today we got our first snow for this winter. It wasn't a whole lot, but enough to make everything white for the day... and I loved it. I wish I could've just curled up with my husband and kids on the couch in front of the fire and watched Christmas movies all day, but even though we didn't get to do that (and I had to get out in the cold 3 times!) I still enjoyed it. Ahhhh, winter... it's finally really here! 

Birthday Girl

Tinzleigh had her 5th b-day on Tuesday (the 2nd of Dec). We kept it nice and calm, since she's having a HUGE party next Sunday evening (she invited 30 kids and around 40 adults!) We just had her grandparents, great grandmother, uncle Adam, and Aunt Shannon over and ordered pizza. They kept her presents... saving them for her to open at the party, but Ryan and I let her open ours. We got her a flatscreen HDTV and a DVD player for her room and didn't want to lug that huge box to the party and back!  We knew she'd probably be a lil disappointed with our gift (until she got to use it!), considering that she's barely five and expecting barbies, dolls, or dress up clothes... but disappointed is an understatement! lol She unwrapped the TV first and stared at the box for a second before asking with a squinched up nose, "What is it?" We told her and she seemed ok with that (not excited, but ok) and then quickly unwrapped the DVD player. She stared at the box for a long time this time, and then she wrinkled her frusterated brows and asked again, "What is it?". I answered with a lot of enthusiasm, "It's a DVD player so you can watch movies on your new TV in your room!" She looked back at the box, threw it onto the couch, and shouted "These are boring presents!" Then she burst into tears and ran to her room before anyone could say anything. Now I didn't know whether to feel a little sorry for her at this point, or to be angry and disappointed with the way she handled receiving a gift she wasn't happy with and being such a spoiled brat! lol Ryan and I followed her to her room and found her crying in the corner (literally). I sat down next to her on the floor and we had a little talk about being gracious, and saying thank you even if you don't really like something much, because someone remembered you and went to the trouble of getting you a gift they thought you'd like! I told her how it would hurt her friend's feelings if she acted that way about something they gave her. She quickly apologized to Ryan and I, and we talked about how she should behave at her party. I'm so glad we gave that to her early! What a great life lesson she learned, and just in time! After Ryan got it all set up in her room, and she wasn't staring at a boring box anymore, she decided she liked her gifts after all.  :) We knew she's change her mind! After pizza, we let the kids go out with their dad for some icecream. Now we're all looking forward to her fairy princess party, and hoping she remembers what she learned the other night! As her mom, I have every confidence that she truly felt sorry for how she acted, and that she grew up a lil bit more that evening she turned five. 

On turkey day, and blessings...

Well, Thanksgiving was good... not great, but good. The food was wonderful, and the people I spent the day with are my favorite people in the world, but it just felt like there was something missing... I know exactly why, too. I used to always spend the day with my (ex)husband and children, going to my in-laws for one meal, and my parents for the other. This year (and last), I didn't get to go to my (ex) in-laws, because they are my EX-in-laws! lol I really missed the time with them, and the tradition of being there. I'm still very close to them and we spend time together pretty often, so it's kinda sad for us all the way around. I still let the kids go with their dad to eat lunch over there this year, and then Ryan and I picked them up and we went to eat dinner at my parents, which was wonderful... except that my brother and new sister-in-law went out of town to be with her parents for Thanksgiving, so I really missed them as well. We didn't get to see Ryan's parents at all because they live so far away... maybe next year? Anyway, as far as being thankful for your blessings goes... I definitely am! I couldn't be happier with the family and friends that I have. We have a beautiful home with just enough room for our family, beautiful, healthy children, wonderful parents and friends, jobs that pay the bills, and God's forgiveness and love! I am truly blessed, and truly thankful.

Friends

I'm so blessed to have so many great friends. I was just thinking about some of them today, and how they all bring something different to my life. Each of them means so much to me, and I hope they know how much I value each of their friendships! 

Jennifer, one of my closest friends, is also my cousin. We've grown up together, fought and played together, been through thick and thin together, and even been pregnant together. Over the years we've had times where we'd drift apart (because of the business of life) for a while, but we'd always reconnect and pick up right where we left off. I know I can ALWAYS count on her to be there for me and to be on my side, and I would do ANYTHING for her as well. She's the closest thing I've ever had to a sister and I love her so much.

 

Tifanie, another of my best friends, has been such a blessing since I met her a year and a half ago working at Carino's. We hit it off the first minute we met, which is a big deal for both of us since neither of us like a lot of people. What I love most about her is the way she makes me feel like I'm home when we're together... no matter where we really are! It sounds weird, I know, but she's my "comfort-zone friend". I feel like I can relax and completely be myself around her, and I feel like she does the same when I'm around. She's always got me laughing, and she's been a great listener more times than I can count. I love hangin out with her and her husband, especially since he and Ryan have become friends as well. I hope she knows how much I value our friendship.

 

Tiffany is another friend I met at Carinos. At first we didn't really talk much... I think because we both can be a bit snobby at times lol. Now I consider her a very good friend, and it's all because of our other halves! Her fiance and my husband are very close friends, and because they would want us to come along on occasion when they'd hang out, we got to know each other. We quickly learned that we have soooo much in common, and we understand where the other is coming from. She's great at giving good and honest advice, and I trust her judgment and opinion more than most other people I know.  She's a wonderful mom, with many of the same views, values, and opinions as my own. She's been there for me through some rough times, and I love her more than she probably knows. I hope she knows that I'm here for her any time she needs me.

 

Summer, Charity, Lisa, and Landy are all girls I went to high school with. Summer and I hit it off on the first day of our freshman year and were best friends all through high school until she moved away. She finally moved back a few years ago and we're now friends again... I missed her so much. We really don't get to see each other much because we have 5 kids between us and crazy schedules that never match up, but we keep in touch on the phone. I have so many great memories with her, and still love her so much! She's probably the sweetest, most kind-hearted friend that I have. 

 

Charity and I weren't ever really close in high school, but we were friends. We lost touch after I graduated up until about a year and a half or so ago. Since then we've gotten much closer and I consider her one of my best friends. She's a lot of fun to hang out with, she's  thoughtful, loyal, and sincere (all qualities I adore in her),and I hope she knows how much she means to me now. 

 

Lisa was another friend I never really got close to until recently. We just started hanging out a couple months ago, and have already formed an awesome friendship. She's an absolute blast to be around... and she's almost as funny as I am! haha I really feel like I've found another keeper in her. She's easy to talk to and our husbands really hit it off as well. 

 

Landy and I were pretty close in school. We've been friends,  enemies (haha... stupid high school drama), and friends again... since 8th grade. We drifted apart after we got out of school, and just recently started talking and hanging out again. I realize now how much I've missed her! She's beautiful, sweet, and a lot of fun to talk to. I'm so glad we're friends again. I hope she feels the same cause I don't plan on letting her drift away from me ever again! I love her too much.

Kayla is a friend who will always be dear to me even though we've drifted apart. We still talk occasionally and when we do it's always nice to hear her encouraging words. She's very talkative and bubbly and I love that about her. She's an amazing mother and wife and I love her whole family so much. I bet she has no idea how much I miss her.

 

Lisa is a long time friend from church, just like Kayla. We've never been extremely close, but I consider her to be a good friend. She's a very strong Christian  woman with a very sweet spirit. It's always fun to talk to her and get to know her more. I love her and appreciate all she's done for me. I hope she knows how much she means to me.

It doesn't seem right to write about my closest friends and not mention Alexis. We're not friends any more, we don't even speak to each other... but she was the dearest best friend I've ever had. She'll always have a place in my heart. I think about her often and miss her so much. I regret that we have so much between us preventing us to continue any sort of friendship. I hope and pray she's happy and doing well. I'll always love her like a sister... just like I always told her I would. If she ever needed me, I'd still do anything for her... I wish she understood that.

 

I have many other friends not mentioned that I don't talk to as much as I'd like to... I'm regretful of this. I wish there was more time in the day, so I could work in more time with family and friends, but life is busy and it flies by so fast. I'm thankful for these special people in my life and all they mean to me. I pray that each one will be blessed today and throughout the week. I love my girls!!!

"Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree..."

I'm already so excited about Christmas I can hardly wait. I'm looking forward to picking out and decorating a tree, going Christmas shopping (I've already started on this though! lol), getting together with family, playing in the snow, wrapping gifts (I know it's weird, but I LOVE to do this), reading the story of Jesus' birth again, going to look at lights, cooking/eating holiday food, and most of all... seeing my kiddos faces when they open their gifts! [sigh...] Gosh I love Christmas. Too bad it's still mid November! lol Oh well, I've started listening to Christmas music already anyway, as well as started on the never ending (and oh so enjoyable) shopping! Come on Thanksgiving, bring on Christmas! 

Disappointed

I'm so disappointed in the outcome of the election and in my fellow Americans. Last night it was announced that Obama will be our next President, and I am scared... for the country and for my children. It's amazing to me how Satan gets ahold of so many people and blinds them to the truth... even Christians! Do Christians not study the Bible any more? Do we not still believe that murder is wrong, whether the victim is born, partially born, or unborn? Do we not believe that gay marriage is wrong? Do we not still have a great respect for the flag and all it represents? Personally I don't believe Obama is the Christian he claims to be, I think he just said what he needed to say to get the votes he needed. I pray to God I'm wrong. I pray that God moves in Obama's heart and removes Satan's hold on him so that he can do great things for our country as he promised. If nothing changes in Obama's heart, I believe he will hand us over to our enemies. He will lead our country to it's downfall. Ryan says I'm a fanatic... maybe I am. I would honestly love to be able to say, several years down the road, "You were right and I was wrong", and not "I told you so".  If I'm right, God help us all.  

I'm so glad he's mine!

This morning I got up, got the coffee going, and went to my daughter's room to wake her for school. Laying next to her was her lil brother, even though he has his own bed in his own room of course. I smiled at them, and wondered how she could sleep so peacefully when he climbs over her in the middle of the night (he likes to sleep next to the wall) and thrashes around the way he does. They looked so precious together. I gently pulled the blankets off of her and lifted her out of bed so he wouldn't wake up... but he did. So we all sleepily trudged into the kitchen where Tinzleigh ate a doughnut left from the half dozen Ryan had bought for her yesterday on the way to school. Thazden wanted yogurt, so I fed him on the couch while he watched Mickey Mouse. When Tinzleigh finished I took her to her room where I helped her dress and then we straightened her hair (yes, I know she's only four... but it just looks better!) She brushed her teeth while I went into the bedroom to wake up Ryan.

He told me last night that he wanted to get some things done around the house today... wash the cars, get the kids outgrown clothes down from the attic so I can go through them and get rid of some things, straighten up the garage, take out the trash, go to the bank for me, ect...) He said to wake him in time to take Tin to school for me, and then he'd get started on his list (that he'd made for himself!). I only had to say his name a couple times and he woke up, asking for the time. He got right up and was ready to go by the time I finished reading Tin her story she brought from school for homework. We hadn't done it last night because I'd had to work. Ryan had stayed with the kids, cooked dinner for them, bathed them, and put them to bed before I got home. I'm sure he'd have read her the book if I would have remembered to ask. He's so good to me and to the kids. I'm so grateful for all he does for me. Life would be so hard without him... the way it was before he came into my life and took on the responsibility of helping me raise two kiddos that aren't even his own. I love my little family so much. God is good.

Growing up... and getting old

Mood: Reflective

My little brother has been on my mind so much lately. This morning I just couldn't stop thinking about him... how he's all grown up now... with a real job and a wife! How did this happen? Where did the time go? The reality of it all is finally sinking in now, two weeks after his wedding. It makes me realize how much older I really am than how I view myself. Most of the time I I feel like my younger, 20 year old self, and I forget that I've changed so much, and aged so much since then. When I look at old pictures and then back in the mirror I'm forced to face the fact that I really don't look 20 any more, even if I'd like to think I do. It saddens me. Not so much for vain reasons, but because I feel as though time has stolen my youth. In my spirit I feel the same as I did back then... young, beautiful, free, energetic, and strong. My body on the other hand, does not feel the same. I'm reluctant to admit even to myself that the lines around my eyes, the aches in my back, the tension in my shoulders, the responsibilities I've acquired, and the drop in my energy level all speak volumes about the years I've put behind me. I know there are  so many who would still tell me "You're still so young! Wait till you're my age!"... and they're right. I am still young... relatively speaking. The thing is, the number of people who can tell me that gets smaller all the time. Before I know it, I will be on the other side of that hill with more people to say that to than can say it to me. All I know is that I don't want to get there too fast, and I feel like Adam's wedding pushed me leaps and bounds closer. Thanks a lot Adam... for aging me! 
I'm amazed at how much my brother has changed over the past couple of years. I'm so proud of the man he's become. He still has some growing up to do, more wisdom to gain... just like the rest of us, but he's come so far. As I think of the heart ache he's already experienced at his young age, I'm so relieved that God led him to someone so precious, sweet, and absolutely perfect for him in every way as far as I can tell. They truly are best friends, and are so blessed to have so many common interests. It's a joy to watch them together and to hear them tell stories about their hunting, fishing, and dirt biking adventures! I'm so happy to call Shannon my sister. I have to admit that she's a bit hard to get to know, but I look forward to the many years ahead that I'll be able to work on that. I'm so happy for them both. I pray that they'll not take each other for granted, as so often happens in a marriage. 
I love my baby brother so much. I just can't believe it... he's a grown man... with a wife. I'm sure gonna miss being the number one girl in his life. Girlfriends have come and gone, but he's always come back to me! haha I'm okay with it though.  I was gonna be replaced eventually, it might as well be with a sweet girl like her. 

Beautiful things:

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Mood: thankful

It's interesting to me how so many various things, no matter how off the wall or different from each other they may be, can all be beautiful in their own special way. I LOVE photography... I think because it allows me to show others how I view things. It's rewarding to be able to take a beautiful photo of something that no one else would have stopped and looked at, much less admired, until they see the picture of it from your perspective... your unique view. It's also interesting to me how much more beautiful some things can seem if there is a love for it. I adore this BEAUTIFUL picture right here because  those who were walking past my children that day probably only saw two little rugrats playing with seaweed in the mud, but to me this is a photograph of my two angels enjoying a day on the beach for the very first time in their lives. 

There are so many things in my life that I see beauty in. Some beautiful things I've noticed or experienced recently: the thirty minutes I spent painting my daughter's toenails yesterday, the way my children play so imaginatively,  the way my husband wraps his arm around me in his sleep, my mother's unconditional love for me, the wisdom my father possesses and so passionately shares,  dandelions brought in to me by my children, rekindled relationships with long lost friends, answered prayers, the sound of my daughter giggling, the way my son roars and stomps everywhere he goes,  the growing love and commitment I feel for my husband, being forgiven by someone I've hurt, the turning colors of the leaves in the fall, a just-cleaned house, rain running down the windows, a well thought out gift... no matter the cost or lack thereof,  new opportunities and possibilities, and possibly most beautiful of all... hearing "I love you Mommy" from two sweet little voices. I could write a list a mile long and still not finish, but I'll stop there. I just needed to express the joy I feel right now thinking about how blessed I am to have so many beautiful people, beautiful things, beautiful experiences, and beautiful memories in my life... and it's not over yet! 

The little things

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Mood: Enlightened

This afternoon I decided it was well past time to repaint my daughter's toenails. It had been so long since their last coat that only three of them bore even a hint of the fading pink color. I asked her if she'd like me to do them and she lit up immediately. "Yes mommy! What color will we do?" I answered, "I was thinking we should do something for Halloween since it's coming up soon." She thought for a moment and shouted "Jack-o-lanterns!" All I could think was how in the world I'd fit jack-o-lanterns on her tiny four-year-old toes! lol So I answered, "I don't know if mommy could do that, but how about orange with black polk-a-dots?" She reluctantly agreed, and skipped into my bedroom where she began digging out the colors from my basket of polishes. I stood there watching her, and I suddenly realized (again) how blessed I am to have a daughter. Boys and girls are so very different to raise, and each bring such unique joy to your life as you watch them develop their personalities, but I'll save my thoughts about the joys of having a son for another day. Today, I bonded even further than ever before with my precious daughter. We sat down on the floor together (after I turned on a playlist of music that pertains to parenting and the joys of children to set the mood) and we painted our toe nails for Halloween... we talked... we sang... we joked... we laughed... we bonded. Something so simple, yet so memorable. How could I have missed the joy in this before? I've painted her nails so many times before and I always enjoyed doing it, but I guess I'm usually in a hurry, on the phone,  talking to Ryan,  or watching tv... and I've missed out on how special it really is until now. The little things in life... right? :) Today, I'm a little more aware of the little things that can bring so much joy and so much love into a relationship, a family, and life in general. Today, I realized more than ever how very smart, funny, and beautiful my little girl really is... and she's growing up so fast! 

It's been a crazy year!

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

It’s been a crazy year!  Current mood:  tested  Category: Life I don't believe that I've ever experienced a more eventful year than this one has been. So many things happened in such a short period of time that as I look back on everything, it seems as though it's been much, much longer. I can honestly say that 2007 was one of the worst AND best years of my life! I'll bet not many people can say that and mean it! lol  For those of you that don't know, here's a quick recap: My ex husband got caught cheating on me for the 2nd time on December 17th of 2006. I filed for divorce on January 8th. I started dating someone new (for the first time in 9 years) in Febuary. My son had his 1st birthday in March. I got a (2nd) job outside the home (for the 1st time in 4 years) in April. My divorce was finalized on June 11th. I started dating several people in July. I fell in love (I hate that phrase, I really CHOSE to love someone) in August. I quit my 2nd job in August as well. I bought a brand new Chevy Silverado in September. I got married on September 21st. Ummmm, I think that's it. So, here's my point... No, not really. lol I don't even have one! I'm just reflecting "out loud". I guess since you read all of this expecting it to go somewhere, I'll make one up. How bout this for a point: You remember that saying "When the going get's tough, the tough get going"? Well, it's true. I'm living proof. So, if the circumstances in your life ever get so bad that you think you can't go on... you can. No matter what,you can. Get up and get going. Push through it. When you have no more strength left, call on God. He is there, waiting for you to let Him help you. Don't believe in God? Well, it's a good thing He doesn't need you to believe in Him in order for Him to exist! Phillipians 4:13 says "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength". 2 Timothy 1:7 says "God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and of a sound mind". There is one other saying that I'd like to insert here. "This too shall pass." There is nothing that God will let us go through that we can not endure. Besides, I'm sure you've all heard this one: "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger".  Hopefully 2008 will be a peaceful, less stressful year for me. I am looking forward to another year of watching my children grow and learn. I am excited about starting a new year with my new husband! I can not wait to see what blessings God has in store for us. I pray God blesses you all this coming year as well! No matter what you face, whether good or bad, remember that God is in control. When you need help, ask Him for it. When things are good, praise Him for it! Happy New Year!

The kids

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

THE KIDS:  Current mood:  grateful  Category: Life She was my first- My first time to cry from the depths of my soul. My first time to understand how much my mother loves me. My first time to be completely selfless. My first time to feel absolutely inadequite and terrified. My first time to have my heart carried around outside my body. My first glimpse of heaven. My first unconditional love. My first born. My Tinzleigh. She is beautiful. She is growing too fast. She is as skinny as I want to be. She is fast and strong. She is brilliant and funny. She is protective of those she loves. She is outgoing and charming. She is stuck up when she wants to be.  She loves her daddy. She loves to collect leaves. She loves to pretend. She loves to be in charge. She loves to win. She is bossy and controlling. She is opinionated and stubborn. She is full of potential. She is wise beyond her years. She wants to be the center of attention ALL the time. She wants me to be proud of her. She wants EVERYTHING in the Toys R Us magazine for Xmas. She wants people to listen to her. She wants to be a princess when she grows up, As well as a singer, ballet dancer, doctor, and mommy. She was my first. She is my daughter. She will be someone special... to many more than just me. He was my last- (up to this point) My last time to feel life inside my tummy. My last time to lose eight pounds in one day! My last time to smell that sweet newborn smell. My last time to put tiny clothes on a tiny body and laugh because they swallow him. My last time to hold my own tiny bundle of joy. My last time to sing lullabies to get someone to sleep. My last time to watch in amazement as he goes from sitting to crawling to walking. My last one to hear say "I love you mama" for the first time. My last baby (so far). My Thazden. He is beautiful. He is growing too fast. He is brilliant. He is hilarious. He is so sweet natured. He is laid back. He is strong and forceful when he feels he needs to be. He is very polite. He is friendly, but don't try to hold him too soon. He is mischievious and silly. He loves his Papa. He loves his Mama. He loves his blanky. He loves to do whatever his sister is doing. He loves to be outside. He loves to play "where's Thazden?" He loves his cup. He wants his cup. He wants his cup ALL THE TIME!  He wants to "hold you". He wants to watch cartoons, but he can't sit still yet. He wants to vaccuum by himself. He wants to stay up late like everyone else. He wants to "bush teef". He wants you to chase him. He wants to sing and say his ABC's. He wants his blanky and his cup!!! He was my last. He is my son. He will leave his mark on many lives.

Ramblings from a half-mended heart

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Ramblings from a half-mended heart:  Current mood:  contemplative  Category: Romance and Relationships Losing out on the life you wanted, the life that you thought you had... Maybe you did actually have it for a while, and that's why it hurts so bad. To lose the desire of your heart, your lifelong fantasy Of a life full of love and laughter, and unity of family... To have a partner in everything, to never face a challenge alone, To have someone that loves your children to the same depth, And help you shape them as they grow... These things are invaluable. They're more precious than diamonds or gold. Once you lose this person, life, dream, you can never have it back; it's gone. You might find someone new, even fall in love again; But it will never be the same. This is a different man. You don't share the same memories. You have a separate history. How he became the man he is will always be a mystery. He does not understand you either, because he wasn't there... To hold your hand through labor pains and those precious first moments share. He doesn't know the way you looked before time stole your youth, Before your body stretched and grew to give two babies birth. He'll never know the way you moved before the music died. He wasn't there to hold you tight all those endless nights you cried. He won't ever understand your pain, nor will you fathom his. He's gone through more than a lifetimes worth of lonely night and tragedies. So you love each other... And that should be enough? Maybe...maybe... but it's gonna be so tough. See, everything in this new life reminds you of something from your old one. Because of this you're forced to mourn before every setting of the sun. You can't bury it, grieve, and move on. The one you lost isn't dead in the ground. He's still near, still living, also giving love another go-round. You're forced to see him often, because of those angels you share. Being tormented by a living ghost is now your cross to bear. If he had died you could've mourned and then moved on, but no. Divorce ended your dream, not death; this is the lowest feeling of low. Oh how I long for death- sometimes his, sometimes my own. Not that I would take a life! I'll leave that thought alone. How could I have lost this dream? Why can't I have it back again? Gone forever, but still there... Knocking on my door again. He's come to take the kids away, and she waits in the car. They'll take them and play house a while; I'll pray they'll leave no scar. When they return I thank my God, for bringing them back home. I thank Him too for this new man that saved me from being alone. I lean on family, friends, and God because my own strength is long gone. What depths can a second love grow to? I'm at the end of me, together we must keep on.

Finally!!

Friday, June 15, 2007

Finally!!  Current mood:  worried Well, the hearing was Monday the 11th... my divorce is final now!! Yea!! Things went really well for me. The judge ruled in my favor on most everything except one... Jeff's girlfriend (the same one he cheated on me with and got pregnant) is allowed to be around the kids when Jeff has them. This is very scary to me. For those of you who don't know the situation, this girl has stalked me, threatened to hurt me and even kill me on more than one occassion. During the process of the divorce the temporary orders set by the judge restricted her from ever being near the kids, but he decided to remove the restriction in the final orders because she and Jeff have a child together (and are living together) and it's too hard to work out visitation in this situation... I am very fearful that she may at some point take out her hatred towards me on my babies. PLEASE be praying for them and their saftey. I also worry about the kind of example she will be for them and the things she may say about me in front of them... if this happens it will be very upsetting to Tinzleigh to hear bad comments about her mommy. I would like to ask those of you who know Jeff and/or my kids to be aware of how they are being treated and taken care of if you ever happen to run into them or see them anywhere. It would be helpful to have extra eyes out there helping me look out for my kids. It breaks my heart to have the right to be with them and to protect them taken away from me. I feel very helpless, please be praying for all of us. Thank you to all of you who were praying about the hearing... it helped! Everything else worked out great! Thanks so much for all of you guys' support through all of this. I can't imagine how I could've made it this far without you. God bless!!!

Crushed dreams, new beginnings...

Monday, April 09, 2007

Crushed dreams, new beginnings...  Current mood:  thankful  Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes My kids are my world. The entire time my friends in high school were trying to figure out what they wanted to be "when we grew up", all I could think about was being a wife and a stay-at-home mom. But not just any mom, a GREAT mom! My dreams came true... for a little while. Now I am in the middle of a divorce from the love of my life (or so I thought), I have the most amazing babies in the world, and I just got registered to run an inhome daycare so that I can stay home with them and support them at the same time. Sad?... for my kids, yes. But for me? Well, I have learned from my mistakes, I have grown closer to the Lord, and I have discovered something so important... I can, and will survive. Phillippians 4:13 is the air I breathe- "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." I am hoping that I can deal with all these trials with grace and integrity, but I feel I am failing miserably. I would appreciate any prayers you've got time to throw up there for me... thanks!!  The kids are growing too fast, Taz just had his 1st birthday on the 7th of March and I can't figure out where the time went!! This last year's been so eventful (both good and bad) that it's a blur to me. It doesn't look like things are going to slow down any time soon, either. I'm back in the dating scene (wow, things have changed! lol) and have already met someone pretty amazing... we'll see what happens with that. I just got a job serving at Carino's Italian Grill on evenings and weekends so come and see me! I already mentioned I keep kids during the day. I'm hoping to go back to school in the fall... maybe be a surgical tech?? Being a single mom keeps me busy too. I knew it would be hard but.... [sigh]. I am thankful that I have such caring and supportive people around me though. I don't know what I'd do without their help!! Thanks everyone, you are greatly appreciated!! Lots of love.

Moving on...

Friday, March 09, 2007

Moving on...  Current mood:  optimistic  Category: Life Life never slows down... but that's okay. I know I prefer it this way. If things got slower I'd have too much time to think, and I've been doing my best to avoid that (about certain things, of course). Thank God for my kids... if it wasn't for their endless jabbering I'd actually hear my own thoughts!! Sometimes I think all I need is a break (from them) but as soon as I get away for a while, a lonliness sets in that I can't describe. It's like the weight of everything that has happened and the reality of all that was lost creaps in and I just want to hold them again. To be near them is like being home, no matter where we really are. I believe I am coping with things much better than most people expected though. This is due to two things. One is that God has given me the strength to make it through this and the peace I needed to keep my sanity. The other reason that I'm doing so well only three months after my separation is that I mourned the death of my marriage over two years ago. No, my marriage wasn't over in a literal or legal way, but it was over emotionally, mentally, and for the most part, physically. Trust was broken beyond repair (though I did try); hurt was inflicted so deeply that I thought I would die of a broken heart. The grief that people (that did not know about his first affair) assumed that I would be dealing with now was felt and dealt with back then. When it happened a second time, it was easy to say "no more" and to let go of our loveless marriage.  I am more than ready to move on, even anxious to. I have been miserable for far too long and am so excited to see what wonderful things my future holds. The only things I am grieving for at this point are the loss of a "core family" for my children and the effect that this will have on their lives, and the way that I had defined myself for so long. It is very strange and even hard to see yourself first and foremost as a "wife", and suddenly have that title stripped from you. I almost feel like asking "who am I now?" but I know when I really think about it that I'm still the same girl I was before I got married. The only difference is that now I am older, wiser, and more confident in myself and especially in my God. My faith has grown and so have I. Praise God for his grace, mercy, and healing!!