So I learned something yesterday...

God didn't leave me, and I didn't leave God. He's been right here with me all the time. For some reason I just thought (or really I was just hoping) that because He's with me and giving me peace and strength to get through all this that I wouldn't have to go through any grieving or mourning. Ha! Well yesterday (and several days proceeding it) was a wakeup call. Just because God's with me doesn't mean I don't need to (and have to) go through the grieving process. I've lost my husband! I lost my marriage and many dreams have died as well. I have much to grieve. It's part of the healing process. I realize this now, and honestly I don't know why this didn't start sooner. God's there to get me through it and to give me hope, not to let me skip over the sadness entirely.

So to those of you close to me that have been unknowingly causing me to feel like it's not okay to cry or feel something over this great loss and life change I'm going through, please understand that I NEED to feel sad. I NEED to let myself feel the pain and sorrow. I even NEED to cry sometimes. It doesn't mean that I've given up, or that I'm not trusting God, or that I don't believe God's taking care of us. I don't need a lecture or a "pep-talk". I haven't lost hope. It just means that I'm sad and that I'm human. I'm tired of people expecting me to be supernaturally strong just because I'm a Christain! Yes, I have God on my side and I believe that He is greater than Satan and that He's going to help me conquer what Satan is trying to do in my life, but I still need to grieve! I understand that it's hard for some of you to watch me go through this, and you'd rather not see me cry or act depressed in any way, but give me a break. Please. I need you all in my life, and it will make things even more sad and harder to deal with if any of you pull away from me. I need my family and friends to stick by me even when I'm not that fun to be around, and so far all of you have. Thank you so much for that, but please don't start pulling away now that I've begun to really grieve. Don't make me feel bad for it, or unwanted. I'll come out of it soon, I promise. God's not gonna let me feel this way forever, and before you know it I'll be fine... just like the last time Satan took my husband. God is good. He won't forget me. He'll heal my broken heart... after some time.